New chapter...or just a continuation...

My last post was about "what you're worth". It basically will relate to some thoughts that I'll be sharing in this post. This post is more for me than anyone else, so if you are happening to browse my blog, forgive me in advance for the ramblings and revelations that I will be sharing.

Our daughter, Megan graduated from Wilmington University in 2008. That being said, all of my family was through with us sacrificing for their education. We're all college graduates. The benefits were now available to me, if I so desired to take the "jump" to finish my B.S. degree. I thought that was the next thing to do with my life.

SO, I began taking courses: some good, some not-so-good, but I still continued (not without total encouragement from my family and some very, very close friends). I still felt unsettled by my choice. I had to cut back on some activities that I never could participate in due to work scheduleds. I would signup for a class and then drop a class inbetween taking a class or two. I was hoping to find some enjoyment out of it. Though I enjoy learning new things and reading, exploring, I did not like the classroom setting. I opted to do online classes, this too, though I had the ability to do it on "my terms", I still didn't enjoy the have to aspect of learning, (tests, papers, etc). I did enjoy finding the information and reading the text books but other aspects I did not enjoy.

It has been almost two years now that I have juggled what I described above. Many of you know that Jim and I met in college. I received an A.A. with a very strong emphasis in Music Ed. (in fact the classes currently took were classes that I omitted 30+ years ago...because I wanted to inhale all the music courses I could because that was my preference. I have enough music credits to teach in a public school setting). I have used my experience and knowledge for these 30+ years to instruct mostly children (some adults) in the art of piano, flute and some voice knowledge. It is something that for years, I felt less worthy to do, but have now come to realize, I'm as capable as any music instructor (for the levels that I choose to teach).

Here was my questioning: If I finish the degree (B.S.) what would that mean for me in my professional life: a) I could teach in a private school setting, b) I could increase my hourly fees due to the sheet of paper from a University. These are good reasons, but I forgot (for a time) some other answers. I had an interview at a local well-known music store for possible private instruction. In the process of the interview, I mentioned that I am finishing my degree, they said that is a good thing, but to be an effective music instructor (remember my level of teaching-beginners-intermediate)-experience is the key (no pun intended). Keeping up on the methods, textbooks, etc mixed with personal musical experience is alot of what makes an effective teacher. That set off a light for me!! I realized, I've been doing what I always thought I would do, be a music teacher, but I haven't been truly enjoying it...thinking I needed more to fulfill this void.

After this interview I went home, shared the info with my hubby, who has been my best supporter throughout all our years together! I started thinking and praying. I wanted the Lord to show me what is right for me, not for Jim, for the kids, for my extended family, for others, but for me an what I will feel worthy of as I serve Him in my life.

I've ALWAYS struggled with pleasing others, wondering what others thought, how to do it so others would always benefit, rather than what is God's plan for Tina! God has been showing me through other aspects of my life what His Plan is, so now was the time for me to ask him about this part of my life.

Just this past week, I really wrestled with this issue of taking more classes (being almost done, etc...8 more classes I think), and I came to a calming realization, that I am not fulfilled in taking classes, in fact, it makes a bit "freaky" when it is time for another class to begin. I feel continually like there is a monkey on my back while in the courses and I have to neglect other things that I was not able to do earlier in our marriage due to working fulltime-part-time outside the home in a professional position. I am blessed to even be able to make these choices in today's economy and that makes me even more "angry" with myself and my lack of confidence in making the "right choice". (Sorry I got off on a babbling trip). I made a bold confident decision and after I shared it with those most closest to me, I felt a peace and calmness over me. Is it the right decision, it is for me at this time. Will I ever change this view, there is a possibility, but I have so much to offer with the talents I now have, how can I be feeling empty and concerned that I'm serving others so they will benefit.

Here is what I shared with my family and friends. I share it with you all as well:

"I am done with trying classes, etc. I LOVE my music instruction and know that I can add to my schedule if I desire. I "freak out" each block and second guess myself. I'm not doing it anymore. Even the fun classes. I have plenty hobbies, interests, activities, causes, etc to challenge me. I now have the confidence to know that I don't need the paper to be smart and to continue to learn. Some are better at the college setting...Give me the music and the social aspect...you can keep the rest. :-D I would have definitely finished after receiving my A.A., but now I don't see the need and I don't have the desire. in this case, it is about what I think is best. Hope you're all not too disappointed. The monkey is now off my back! "

I am thankful for God allowing me to find the confidence that He always knew was in me. Jim sees it, but I had to see it before it could be used to the level that was needed. I may decide further down the road that college is an option, but then again...God may direct me in another avenue. I love to learn and we can learn in sooo many settings.

Here are some replies to my note above. "Ultimately the question is what do you want to do with your life. What may be at the heart of this is what has driven you for much of your life-pleasing others. Basically I want you to love your life, and not base your success in life on what the world preceives as success. Be content in your choice, Be confident in your choice and be confident in your worthiness." "I love that you've tried and tried again and again. Only you know your limits. S top feeling like you have to explain or jstify your choices. No one is judging you. Formal education is only one type of education. You my friend have a PhD. in being a wife, mother, friend, teacher, menotr, servant and most importanly a child of God." "I'm sooo happy for you, that you finally have peace. You have my support no matter what you decide." "I am always in your corner." "I am not disappointed at all." "You wouldn't have know unless you tried again. You need to be confident in who you are and not worry about what you don't have (sheet of paper-another degree). You have sooo much. I just want you to be confident and satisfied in your decision."

God has blessed me over and over again with these family members and friends and there were more.

So all this to let you know that I'm enjoying my life, I am learning not to second guess or think of what I could have done and how our lives would be different, or at times in my eyes somewhat better. I know that to give in one aspect you have to let go in others. Jim and I have a wonderful life and I know that my influence on others has been for the most part a positive influence. May I continue to serve in a confident, worthy, smart, passionate way that others see more of Him and less of me.

I am content and sooooo thankful for it!

Enjoy whatever you are doing and do it to the fullest for Him. It's Wednesday and today is lessons day....bring on the piano/flute students...your teacher is ready and so thankful to share her passion for music!!!